Monday, November 2, 2009

Desperate.



I just finished the 3rd season of my favorite suspense/thriller TV series, Supernatural. The last episode ended with one of the lead (Sam Winchester), desperately trying to save the life of his older brother (Dean Winchester) from the demon, to whom he sold his soul (ironically to save Sam). Sam failed, and Dean went to hell. I was frustrated, not only because Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles) is my ultimate love, nor because I don't have the season 4 yet, but because it got me thinking about my own life, and what I had to give up for my loved ones. How I wish life is as simple as TV drama, and if it is, then I’ll be joining them kicking some demons’ a*s.

“You wouldn’t know your capacity, unless you are desperate enough.”


People tease me that I should have been born a man, the "goons" type. The problem is, because everybody knows I’m a tough nail, everybody thinks I won’t need help anytime. Okay, I’m not affectionate, but I know feelings, frustrations, and limitations, just like anyone else. I can, and have taken care of myself and a whole bunch of people for the past years, and I have repeatedly given up my wants, swallowed my pride, and done things that make me sick until now, just so I can keep other people comfortable, proud and protected. I intentionally forgot that even machines need some rest, and grown ups can cry at night, too. I’m so worried about taking care of everyone around me, that I lost my own self in the picture. I have given enough, and I sure deserve some break from being the perfect steelwork they expect me to be. I need space, and air, I need to breathe. I should stop programming myself, I need to start living my own life, a careless, risky, bold one. I have to start pursuing my own dreams, realizing what makes me happy, like more-than-24 hours-happy. ME, not them. ME, not everyone.

I can’t let other people down, but does it mean I have to let go of myself, too? It scares me that I feel worthless, that my feelings are unstable, and that I’m a ticking time bomb, destructive to my own self. I can’t build if I’m broken, and I can’t give what I don’t have.

When will I be desperate enough and start giving up everything, not for anyone I love, but for myself whom I have denied a tad too many times? =/


02 November 2009
3:15 am



7 comments:

  1. oh I've loved that serie too, but I'm not following it anymore, as they're not showing it on tv at the moment... as far as I know. And I can only allow myself to watch like 4 shows online :P

    I hope you do start pursuing your own dreams, as I know what you mean, I'm a people pleaser too, trying to make everyone happy, and just forget myself!

    loves

    ReplyDelete
  2. We're a bunch of emotions, aren't we? :( Things will get better, sis. I know it will. I'll let you know if my stroke of genius works, haha. For now, let's hold on to Him so we'll have the strength :) Mwah!

    ReplyDelete
  3. aww dang...i was like that too..their expectations are just way too preponderant that even though they were quiet enough not to verbalize,they implicit things...and then when i realized that i was pregnant,i felt like for the first time...i dont sense those provocative thoughts of them..siguro dahil it shattered na hehe.in the end i made my own way of making them proud of me..as a mom as a daughter,as a person,as a student,as a wife..pero xiempre you can make them all like you..im not saying magpabuntis ka dang ah!ahaha.peace *smile*..im just saying na in the end there will still be people who will stand by your side in your flaccid moment..you can help yourself pick up your broken pieces if ever you broke,since sabi mo nga youre a TOUGHY!!.and people who loves you will definitely help you too!!and siguro they will not let you break down...sorry haba ba...hehe.anyhuuu!!!wala pa ako jan sa episode na yan..kasi season 3 palang ang natapos ko!ahaha.ill watch na nga ulit..=p..tc dang

    ReplyDelete
  4. i've never watched supernatural but i guess it's time to begin ;)



    http://alectonyx.etsy.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love Supernatural too! I think I finished all episodes to the most recent one in 2 weeks lol

    Though I don't know much about your life or what you are going through, I just want to say don't be so hard on yourself, life is simpler when you take it one step at a time. I hope things get easier for you, or if not easier, that you are better able to cope.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @ Shirley, the Toothfairy: I finally got your name honey! =D That's a good start. Anyhoo, THANK YOU for the love, it really meant a lot to me right now. And I'll try my best to pursue my own dreams now, and stop caring more about other people & neglecting myself. I hope I can start really soon.

    BTW, my head office is in the Hague, if I ever get a chance to visit, I'll knock on your clinic & I'll demand free checkup =P


    @ Teeyah: Hay sis, that's the only thing holding me together these days, trusting Him...


    @ Shobe: Thank you for the super long comment, I appreciate it soooooo much, because I know it comes from the heart sis! Don't worry, I don't plan on getting pregnant soon, haha. And don't worry, I'll keep your words in mind. Go watch kana ulit, isn't Dean super HOT??? =P

    @ C: You should definitely start, you won't regret it =) I'll go check your site sweets.

    @ Tammy: I'm a sucker for supernaturals too, books, movies, TV series...plus, Dean & Sam are addicting! I can't wait to watch season 4 =)

    And thanks Tammy, though we only know each other here recently, I appreciate the concern & love. I'll try to be nicer to myself, promise. Hugs!

    TO ALL: I've cried endlessly last night, but all your love will help me through. THANK YOU! Hugs to all!

    ReplyDelete
  7. i agree i agree!!dean is mucho macho!!!!i love his eyes!!!!

    ReplyDelete

I'd love to hear what you think. Fire away!