I just finished the 3rd season of my favorite suspense/thriller TV series, Supernatural. The last episode ended with one of the lead (Sam Winchester), desperately trying to save the life of his older brother (Dean Winchester) from the demon, to whom he sold his soul (ironically to save Sam). Sam failed, and Dean went to hell. I was frustrated, not only because Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles) is my ultimate love, nor because I don't have the season 4 yet, but because it got me thinking about my own life, and what I had to give up for my loved ones. How I wish life is as simple as TV drama, and if it is, then I’ll be joining them kicking some demons’ a*s.
“You wouldn’t know your capacity, unless you are desperate enough.”
People tease me that I should have been born a man, the "goons" type. The problem is, because everybody knows I’m a tough nail, everybody thinks I won’t need help anytime. Okay, I’m not affectionate, but I know feelings, frustrations, and limitations, just like anyone else. I can, and have taken care of myself and a whole bunch of people for the past years, and I have repeatedly given up my wants, swallowed my pride, and done things that make me sick until now, just so I can keep other people comfortable, proud and protected. I intentionally forgot that even machines need some rest, and grown ups can cry at night, too. I’m so worried about taking care of everyone around me, that I lost my own self in the picture. I have given enough, and I sure deserve some break from being the perfect steelwork they expect me to be. I need space, and air, I need to breathe. I should stop programming myself, I need to start living my own life, a careless, risky, bold one. I have to start pursuing my own dreams, realizing what makes me happy, like more-than-24 hours-happy. ME, not them. ME, not everyone.
I can’t let other people down, but does it mean I have to let go of myself, too? It scares me that I feel worthless, that my feelings are unstable, and that I’m a ticking time bomb, destructive to my own self. I can’t build if I’m broken, and I can’t give what I don’t have.
When will I be desperate enough and start giving up everything, not for anyone I love, but for myself whom I have denied a tad too many times? =/
02 November 2009